I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that... Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five whole minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. Section 1.01. And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So this is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin. Section 1.02. I will never ask for more foreplay. Section 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there. Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia. Section 3.01. I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom. Section 3.02. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot. Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face. Section 4.01. I will never, ever give your penis a cute nickname. Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning. Section 5.01. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay. Section 5.02. I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy. Section 5.03. I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar. Section 5.04. I promise to shave every possible inch of my body, and will always love your weekend beard... Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men." Section 7. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything mechanical. Section 7.01. With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets. Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract. Signed _____________________________(female) Date _______________________________
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, "Honey, before you leave, please let me explain." The wife stopped to listen. He continued, "I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn't like. She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you'd discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now." The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. "That's all fine and good," she said, "but why did I find you both in our bed with no clothes on?" The husband replied, "Well, that's simple... see, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?"
* After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in." * Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass. * Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?" * Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire. * Only moans during commercial breaks. * Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay. * Keeps trying to set you up with her friends. * Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York. * You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show. * Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead. * During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda." * Has suddenly started making you pay in advance. * Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file. * Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too. * Keeps asking, "Are you sure you're not gay?" * Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating. * Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along. * Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better. * She yells out her own name. * Bangs her head on the headboard before you begin.
1. While flipping through channels, catch a glimpse of men's underwear ad. Feel instant and overwhelming desire for sex. 2. Find partner. Begin undressing self and partner. 3. Wait a minute: What's going on? Partner is kissing you not on nipples but on lips. Guiding your hand away from lower regions and toward shoulder. Oh, right, now you remember. Foreplay. 4. Kiss and touch, kiss and touch. This is making you feel incredibly hot, while it seems your partner is still just warming up to room temperature. 5. Attempt to find "magic button" that will make your partner as turned on as you are. After much groping, finally think you locate it. Rub it. Rub it hard. Stop only when you notice partner's attention has drifted back to TV. 6. Offer to give oral sex, your third most favorite sexual activity. There is a chance that this may lead to receiving oral sex, your first most favorite sexual activity. 7. Spend 23 minutes on the giving end. When your partner finally seems enthusiastic enough to want to reciprocate, find that you're forced to stop after two minutes for fear of the entire encounter ending right there. 8. Almost "forget" birth control. 9. Now it's time for your second most favorite sexual activity. Okay, it's in. Thirty seconds later, attempt to train your mind on the anti-orgasmic image of the boy who peed on the school bus in third grade. Then, despite your best efforts, your mind returns to Matt Damon, and the school bus turns into a huge, rocking iron bed. 10. Your partner seems excited now. Very excited. Is partner having an orgasm? You can't quite tell. But who really cares, at least at the moment. Your body is being tossed skyward as if by a volcano and that howl of joy just might be coming from your own mouth. 11. Check surroundings. Yes, good, you're still in the same room. 12. Grasp partner's hand and say how great the sex was. 13. Silence. Should you be worried? 14. You definitely should be worried, and you would be, if you weren't falling asleep. 15. You're jolted awake by your partner's fingers poking you in the ribs. Hard. 16. Apparently the sex is not over. While you are so exhausted that staying conscious seems like a miraculous physical feat, your partner is even more energetic and enthusiastic than before. Okay...batter up. 17. Wow. Partner definitely had orgasm. Make a mental note to remember the signs so you'll recognize them next time. 18. Finally, you can go to sleep. Can't you? No, you cannot. Seems partner actually has the impulse to talk. 19. Murmur at appropriate intervals. Hold partner close. Feel peaceful and content and loving and safe. 20. When partner's body finally relaxes against yours and you hear soft snores against your shoulder, pick up remote and turn on TV. Flip channels. Wait a minute, what was that? Bare thigh. Close-up of a kiss. No longer feel on the brink of blissful oblivion. In fact, feel instant and overwhelming desire for...sex. 21. Contemplate sleeping partner. Contemplate waking partner. Fantasize possibilities. Calculate probabilities. Keep on flipping.
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation. The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms and hollers, "7 come 11," all night and I haven't had a wink of sleep!" The second guy says, "I know what you mean ... my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, "Hit me light or hit me hard," and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!" The last guy says, "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."
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